Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
