Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
