I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Randomize
