Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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