Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
