We're facebook friends in real life
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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