you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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