three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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