my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
