One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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