why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
