WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
