The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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