I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You were trust falling into bushes
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I am mentally ready for anal.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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