I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
