I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
