i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
