Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
