She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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