So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
