So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
