You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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