i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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