there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
