You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
