you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
