The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
