Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
