dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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