Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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