It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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