Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
