I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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