What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
