Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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