The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
