I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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