I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
