When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
