2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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