God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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