My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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