My Higher Power is John Stamos
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
