my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just google imaged poop.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
