Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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