Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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