Don't make out with my wife yet
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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