This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
