my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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