Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
