Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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