How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
